Christina Botto asked:


Communication is the single most important aspect when parenting a teenager.

We can give them a sense of compassion, understanding, and support. We can listen to their opinion. We can peacefully discuss a situation.

On the other hand, we can convey to them that we are disappointed and angry about what they did. We can scold them for not doing what we told them to.

The way we respond to, or address, our teenagers will determine if they will come to us for answers and advice the next time. 

Your teenager will let you know when he is disappointed. He might even be insulted by the way the discussion is going or how he’s being treated.

He will tell you. Not directly, but with phrases such as:

“Whatever you say” or “You just don’t understand” before walking away.

What these phrases really imply:

•    He thinks he has absolutely no input in matters that concern his daily activities

•    He feels you are treating him like a child by not giving him a chance to state any of his thoughts on the subject at hand

•    You are just not listening to him at all 

Take a quick inventory of what was said and ask yourself where you cut your teenager off or out – or stopped listening to his side of the story. Comments like these are a big STOP sign.

If you cannot recall with what exactly you turned your teenager off, ask him.

Here is an example:

One day your teenager comes home from school and tells you that one of his friends started to smoke.

You can either tell your son that he better not be smoking, and that if you ever catch him you will punish him one way or another. 

Your teenager’s response in this case is going to be something like:”Sure, dad,” and he will turn and walk away.

Now you wonder if he is planning to take up smoking and worry about it. Your teenager is frustrated because you treated him like a child by lecturing instead of listening. 

These events will lead to a stressed relationship, constant confrontation, and total frustration for you as well as your teenager.

On the other hand, you could find out what he is thinking and how he sees the situation.

If your teenager approaches you with a story or lets you know about something a friend is doing, you can be assured that they have an opinion about the particular situation.

Seize the opportunity to find out your teenager’s values, thoughts, and opinions. Give your teen the message that you are interested in his opinion and want to hear it.

He will be less hesitant to approach you the next time around, eager to talk about whatever is on his mind, discuss it with you and thus draw on your knowledge.

Before getting angry, consider that your teen may have come to you about the “friend smoking” situation -

•    to talk about how disappointed he is in his friend

•    how angry he is with his friend because he knows that smoking is unhealthy

Your teen may want, or more importantly may need you to tell him how proud you are of his choice not to smoke.



EUGENE

Terre Grable asked:


As a parent of a teenager, how would you describe your relationship with your teenager last year? Did it go as well as you had hoped? Are there any areas you would like to improve in the New Year? If honesty was required, than I bet every parent of a teenager would agree there is room for growth in their parenting relationship. Whether you are a veteran parent of a teenager or a newbie, here are some practical suggestions of how to improve your relationship with your teenager in the New Year.

1. Make a weekly time to have breakfast

The great thing about breakfast is it is usually the only time of the day when it is easy to be on time. No prior meetings can cause delays. No prolonged prior appointments will necessitate a need to reschedule or cancel. Some families find it helpful to find a morning during the week because they are already at home together. Others find a weekend morning better. Why not use this time to catch up on your teenager’s activities for the day?

2. Make it a point to eat 3-5 meals together

I’ve heard there are studies that suggest eating meals together as a family decreases at risk behaviors in teens. I would attribute this to it provides a time for parents to stay consistently involved in your teenager’s life happenings, more than just once a week. Use this time talk about what is taking place in their daily lives, not to lecture them. Out of 21 meals in a week, what 3 meals will you set aside to eat together with your teenager?

3. Improve communication with your teenager

Use your ears more than your mouth. If you are unsure what to talk about, find something to get your teenager’s opinion on. If there is one thing a teenager likes to give, it’s his/her opinion. Check out the popular culture blogs for some conversation starters. You do not have to necessarily agree, just have a dialogue with them.

4. Combine mutual hobbies and quality time

In today’s overly scheduled society, both parents and teenagers can find it difficult to find some time to spend together. Why not combine the two. Does your teenager like be outside, and you like to exercise? Why not learn a sport together? Get your creative juices flowing!

5. Implement a Family Night once a month

A Family Night is simply a scheduled time where everyone in the family will be together. Even with hurried schedules, it is still possible to gather together once a month to spend time together. A Family Night has just one agenda: Fun, fun, fun - no lectures, no handling any conflict or discipline problems. Just some time to relax and be with one another. It can be as lavish as a dinner and play, or as relaxed as ordering pizza and watching pay per view.

6. Plan a family vacation

I know this sounds simple, and for some it even seems crazy given the difficult relationship you may have with your teenager. However, family vacations can also be healing for some parents and teenagers. A lot of conflict arises from miscommunication, short tempers, and just being exhausted. Family vacations allow parents and teenagers to relax and recharge. Involve your teenager in some of the vacation planning to give him/her a sense of ownership. This can decrease the amount of conflict and self reported claims of boredom on your family vacation

If last year did not seem to go as you had dreamed, then do not get discouraged! You now have over 300 days to strengthen your parenting relationship.



GREGORY

Christina Botto asked:


The first year at college is an extremely stressful time for both the parent as well as your teenager. 

Your teen is truly leaving home for the first time. He’s also leaving his friends and a world that he’s lived in and felt comfortable with for years.

For most teenagers their first year includes a new area, along with a new room and roommate. College comes with a learning environment that is fast paced and a lot less personal than high school.

This is sometimes an extreme shock to a teenager and they may soon find themselves struggling to keep up with and understand all the material they need to learn. Tests and quizzes are longer and require knowledge of much more material than High School, causing students’ stress levels to rise even more.

With no one to really guide them, sometimes a first-year student will find unhealthy or dangerous ways to relax and take their mind off of school.  Although the dangers your teenager faces in college are the same as high school, the environment, rules, and people which present these situations are completely different.  Your teenager is now in a place where they have to make friends all over again, and since you, nor any other adult is looking over their shoulder to tell them “No”, they may make unsafe and regretful decisions.

Drinking is the biggest threat to a teenager in college.  Alcohol is easy to purchase and even easier to consume.  Parties constantly exist near or even on campus, with availability of alcohol and sometimes even drugs.  With no adults present and security personnel rarely showing up, a teenager may feel almost invincible, therefore pushing themselves to a level of drinking and partying that they cannot handle.  A teenager may begin to spin out of control without even knowing it.  Partying too much on the weekend, or even during the school week, may lead to classes being skipped.  Before they know it, teenagers in their first year of college may find themselves falling behind in class, possibly leading to the failing of classes.

How Parents can help their Teen

Keep in contact with your teenager, but do not smother them.  Call occasionally to see how much time they are spending in their room. Do not ask them if they are going to class or not.  Instead, ask more personal questions about their classes.  For instance, if they are taking an English class, ask what book they are reading at the moment.  If they have an assigned book reading, ask what the book is about and if they like it.  Ask whether they are or are not enjoying reading it and find out why your teenager feels that way. By asking about the details, parents will get a better understanding about the progress their teen is making and how serious they are taking their classes.

It is also important to ask them how they like the college environment and if they are making friends. Ask what your son or daughter is doing in his or her spare time and what entertainment options are available.

Make sure your teen knows that he can call home anytime, especially if he feels overwhelmed or homesick.

At the same time, ask your teenager about the best time to reach him so you can talk to him when you are missing him. By admitting to your teen that you miss him it will be easier for your teen to pick up the phone to call you if she is homesick or feeling overwhelmed.

Parents experiencing the empty nest syndrome are sometimes tempted to convert their college freshman’s room to other use. There are several reasons why I would recommend not doing that. First, your teen will be home from college more than parents initially think. Secondly, already troubled by the separation of family and friends, it would cause further distress to your teenager if his room were not available for him when he comes home. During the first year of college your teenager has to work through several emotional issues. It would ease some of the stress for your teenager if everything were the way she left it when she comes home during breaks.



BRYCE

Christina Botto asked:


You find yourself begging your teen to go places with the family. As soon as your teen gets into the car with you, he begins complaining about you or his life, and how miserable everything in his world is. In just a few minutes of being within the same five-foot radius of one another, the two of you are already in an argument.  

There may have been times you regretted asking your teen to join you on your daily activities. No matter where you go, or what you do, your teen seems to find something to complain about. You are purchasing the wrong items, the whole trip is “so ridiculous,” you are just the worst parent ever, and he hates his life!   

You were always able to get along and had so much fun when you went out together, no matter what the activity was. Now you have to deal with an obstinate, argumentative and rebellious teenager. No matter what you do or how hard you try, you are unable to connect on any level with your child. You find yourself asking what you did wrong, where did your sweet baby go, and where did this hostile teenager come from?

Instead of getting frustrated or angry, remember that teens everywhere believe their life is just a depressing, revolting state of time and they wish everything from their parents, to their friends, to their clothes, to their body, was different.

Teens begin to reject all the things they relate to their childhood and being a child. They no longer want you to do things for them, or to be at their sports events. They stop following your advice because, in their mind, that would be the same as still being a child and not a growing adult.

Your teenager’s emotions will go up and down constantly while he is learning to be more independent and is trying to discover and recognize his individual personality.

Where is your teenager today, and where do you want him to be when he graduates high school? Think for a minute about this tremendous change. Reflect on all the various areas in which he will have to gain experience, and the decisions that he will have to learn to make.  

Your son or daughter will have to learn everything from washing clothes to earning a living to handling personal relationships. He will have to decide if he will go to college, what his field of study will be, what profession he wants to pursue, and which college to go to. He will get a driver’s license, and will start going his own way instead of going along with the rest of the family.  

In order to build a good relationship with your teenager, you need to realize these emotional changes your teen is going through. Give your teenager more and more responsibility and allow him to make more and more decisions about his life. Give him enough space to develop, while standing by to help.

Instead of telling your child what to do and expect him to listen, you will have a better relationship with your teen if you change to a more management-like approach to parenting your teenager.

5 ways to build a better relationship with your teenager during this difficult time:

•    Treat him like the individual he is

•    Ask his opinion first  

•    Don’t judge or elaborate on his failures. Instead, help him to resolve problems

•    Take time to listen

•    Stay active in your teen’s life

During this time of extreme insecurity, it is very important to show your teenager love and support.

Your support lessens the chances that he will make a mistake. Even if he does have a lapse in judgment, he will come to you before any part of the situation gets worse - if he knows that you care and are ready to listen without judgment.  

A teenager who is confident in your support will think situations through more clearly, be less prone to any form of peer pressure, and will therefore get into less trouble than a teenager who feels that he must deal with everything on his own.

As parents, we need to be there for them if they fail or make a wrong choice. We need to be careful not to underestimate our teenager and, at the same time, not to ask too much of them too soon, thus discouraging them from making decisions. We need to encourage and support them, and teach them that what they do will affect their future life.



GERRY