Terre Grable asked:


Right now is your relationship “strained” with your teenager? Does everything within you want a positive relationship with your teenager, but you do not know how to accomplish it?

Well, here is the stepping stone to a great relationship path with your son or daughter this holiday season. Ready? It’s the “F” word…..forgiveness. That’s right! Forgiveness. Something that is does not cost a cent and can make all the difference in your parenting relationship.

The holiday season is filled with advertisements for the perfect gifts that promise happiness for your teenager. Sure the gifts and the gadgets are great, and your teenagers are sure to love them. But, I am not sure it is the BEST gift your teenager wants.

What is the best holiday gift you can give your teenager this holiday season?

A relationship with you! Despite all the affluence and wealth in the world, I believe most of today’s teenagers desire a close relationship with their family. And for those that will tell you “family is not important to them,” somehow I still believe deep down they really wish they had a stronger relationship with their parents.

How do you start having a better relationship with your teenager this holiday season?

Is it love? A better understanding of what your teenager is experiencing? More patience with the decisions they are making? While all of the above are valuable to any parental relationship, the life blood in any healthy relationship is forgiveness. Forgiveness can melt away the cold distance that subtly builds between family members, especially parents and teenagers. Without forgiveness, one cannot love to their fullest potential, walk in another person’s shoes, nor be patient without having expectations of the other person.

Why do we not forgive?

If forgiveness is the life blood of any relationship, then resentment is its death. Resentment hinders any growth, with the exception of itself. It stunts a relationship by keeping it at the same place where the resentment began. It does not seem to move beyond this place. Resentment can also linger around like a low-grade fever, never really exploding into a full blown argument. All the while, gaining strength and causing further family division. But, if left alone, little by little resentment can develop into bitterness.

Resentment is also sneaky as it is often repackaged. Often, parents and teenagers may not be aware that they are holding onto resentment. Sometimes it is given a different name other than anger. As a counselor, clients will frequently say, “I am not angry, just a little upset.” Or my favorite one “I am not angry, I am just frustrated.” You can rename it whatever you need to, however it is still resentment.

What does forgiveness look like in the relationship with your teenager?

Ask one hundred different people, and you would likely get one hundred different answers. Here is my definition of forgiveness: when your relationship is free of the slightest bit of anger because you have worked through any negative emotions resulting from your teenager’s behaviors. It does not mean you have forgotten what took place or denied your teenager’s behaviors. Rather, you are not controlled emotionally by them. And the only way to reach forgiveness is to face the conflict and work through it.

Do you need to give the gift of forgiveness to your teenager this holiday season?



FOSTER

Terre Grable asked:


Here we go! It’s that time of year again - the family holiday vacation. Some families historically travel this time of year, while others will choose to stay home. Perhaps you are having extended family coming in for the holidays. Or maybe your family has decided to fly solo and stay home. Regardless of the plans, many parents can find themselves feeling apprehensive about spending a vacation with their teenagers. “Is this holiday season going to be a disaster?” “What if he/she embarrasses me in front of everyone?” “We haven’t been getting along lately, and what if this entire vacation is filled with conflict?” Here are 7 things you can do to help make it a great vacation:

1. Include your teenager in the planning

If there is one thing most teenagers enjoy, it is giving other their opinion. This is especially true if someone is asking for their opinion. Ask your teenager some ideas of what they think would be enjoyable to do on the family vacation. Even if you set the ground rules of where your family is going, ask them what they would like to do some of the time. It is after all there vacation also.

2. Carve out some alone time for yourself

Ironic as it may sound, vacations can be exhausting, especially for parents. Whether your children are toddlers or teenagers, fatigue can set in from trying to accomplish too much in such a short amount of time. Make sure you take some time to relax yourself. A relaxed parent makes for a more relaxed family vacation.

3. Carve our some alone time for you and your teenager

Even if you are vacationing with a lot of extended family members, make it a point to take some time to spend with your teenager one-on-one. It does not necessarily need to be a huge ordeal with a lot of fan fare. Perhaps grabbing something to eat unexpectedly, or going for a walk in the morning. Even a conversation in the car while running errands can be meaningful. Find those rare teachable moments, and seize them!

4. Allow your teenager to have some reasonable amount of time alone

As your teenager gets older, there is a normal part of you that desire to spend a lot of time with him/her. You want to cherish the time with your daughter, and make sure your son knows the importance of your relationship. Yet, today’s teenagers’ lives can be as busy as adults’. Like you, they may need some down time to just sit and loaf around.

5. Avoid placing any expectations or ideals on your vacation

Many parents visualize in their mind, and heart what they want their family vacations to be like. Their ideals are filled with holiday cheer, perfect children, and Norman Rockwell memories. Thereby, they unintentionally place expectations on their teenagers and family members. While dreams are not a bad thing, disappointment and resentment can arise when these expectations are not met. Take your vacation a day at a time, without any expectations.

6. Agree to put all major family conflict aside for the duration of your vacation

If there is a major conflict between you and your teenager, then agree to put the matter aside until after your vacation. Anyone can “agree to disagree” for a temporary period of time. No one wants a vacation filled with tension and conflict. Perhaps when your vacation is over, both of you will be in a better emotional state to discuss your conflict in a better manner.

7. When conflict arises between you and your teenager, talk it out

No doubt there will moments of frustration between you and your teenager. It is unrealistic to expect otherwise. As the parent, make it a point to pick your battles. Then talk it out in a manner that will resolve conflict, rather than placing blame. Avoid harboring grudges and resentments

Oh and here is Take lots of pictures! They will mean more later!



DEREK

Chris Davis asked:


About 6 months ago I realized my teenage son Jason had been drinking.  I was shocked.  I had talked with Jason about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, but came to find out he (like most teenagers) was dealing with some very adult problems.  I began to take a more active interest in what was bothering him.  This is something that I wish was done earlier, but it just didn’t occur to me that MY son could be susceptible to this.  I did a lot of research and bought a couple of really good ebooks and found out some helpful information.

   Jason and other teenagers are at risk for substance abuse include those with a family history of substance abuse, who have low self-esteem, who feel hopelessly alienated, as if they don’t fit in, or who are depressed. It isn’t always easy for someone to see that a loved one is a substance abuser. So, it is always helpful to know how to recognize substance abuse. That is why it is important to due your home work so you know what to look for. I started by just typing Jason’s frustrations and symptoms into google.  It is sometimes difficult for mental health practitioners to arrive at a diagnosis of substance abuse alone. It is important as a parent that you have all the information that you can gather before you seek the help of medical professionals. Substance abuse, addiction treatment and drug and alcohol recovery and rehabilitation resources are available on the internet.   I found my information about Jason’s recovery at www.Alcoholism-DrugAddiction.blogspot.com

 What are the Symptoms of Substance Abuse? First of all, if a person is a substance abuser, he is probably going to be guarding his privacy more than usual. Different substances lend themselves to different groups of symptoms.  Physical signs of substance abuse are: slurred speech, memory impairment, in coordination, and impairment of attention. There are a number of practical and empirical methods to determine substance use, among them being urine or blood testing. A dual diagnosis is given to any person who has both a substance abuse problem and an emotional or psychiatric disorder.  Keep in mind, however, that the above characteristics of a possible substance abuser could also be characteristics of a person with depression and substance abuse.

When dealing with my teen I found it helpful to talk about how the substance abuse is affecting everyone. That way they can see how it is not just their problem they have to deal with themselves.  It is important for them to know that they have support.  They may act like they don’t care but deep down behind that angry teenage exterior they really just want to know that someone cares. 

 Stressful events can profoundly influence the abuse of alcohol or other drugs. A number of clinical and epidemiological studies show a strong association between psychosocial stressors early in life e g , parental loss, child abuse and an increased risk for depression, anxiety, impulsive behavior, and substance abuse in adulthood.  According to Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration SAMHSA , almost 50% of the average teen day often includes drinking, smoking, or using illicit drugs. The overindulgence in and dependence on an addictive substance, especially alcohol or a narcotic drug can ruin a person’s life.  Especially if that person is young, like a teenager.  The patterns that they develop at that age carry well into adulthood.

Researchers have long recognized the strong correlation between stress and substance abuse, particularly in prompting relapse. Although exposure to stress is a common occurrence for many teenagers it is also one of the most powerful triggers for relapse to substance abuse in addicted individuals.  This is why treating a substance abuse problem is not just a one time thing.  If your child has unfortunately developed an addiction it must be delt with to the fullest.  Just confiscating their beer and telling them not to do it again isn’t going to be enough.  You have to be their back-up in the war on stress and peer pressure.  YOU have to make them understand what you already know.  However, this must be done in a democratic and fair manner.  You must make them understand that it is not their fault, but it is a reality that must be delt with and they are going to have to act like a mature adult in order to solve this problem.

We all must focus on restoring teenagers emotional well-being, develop healthy ways to manage stress, and avoid them turning to drugs or other substances to escape stressful realities of the day.  If the problem is too big to deal with then t may be time to seek professional help.  I do however recommend being VERY well informed before this.  The more that you know and can help the professionals with the faster your teens road to recovery.  Jason is doing well now, his grades are up and we have our daily “meetings,” so I know exactly what I can help him with.

   In drug abuse education course, teenagers  receive information about alcohol and drugs and the physical, social, and psychological impact of abusing these substances. Some teen substances abused are: alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, cocaine, opiates, “club drugs” ecstasy, etc stimulants, hallucinogens, inhalants, prescription drugs, and steroids. Drug and substance abuse among teenagers, is substantial and growing!   The consequences of teenage substance abuse can be catastrophic not just to their social life and emotional development, but physically as well.  Heart dieses, Cancer, and Brain Damage just to name a few.  In addition to its direct health effects, officials associate alcohol abuse with nearly half of all fatal motor vehicle accidents.  If a teenage addiction goes on un checked they WILL end up in jail, on the streets, or even worse DEAD!  I pray that all parents out there take an active roll in their children’s lives and stop these atrocities from beginning before they are a problem, but if it must be taken care of you are the first one that must be informed.  To get some of the  most crucial information check out www.Alcoholism-DrugAddiction.blogspot.com

 



DARELL

Terre Grable asked:


Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges. As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager. Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

Mistake 1: Lying to them

Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers. First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned. Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.

Mistake 2: Avoiding discipline

Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.

Mistake 3: Eliminate any structure or routine

Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved. Each person’s routine is adversely affected. A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership. This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.

Mistake 4: Forget about them

As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles - often simultaneously. In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent. In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis. Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.

Mistake 5: Continue fighting with your former spouse

If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace. However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce. As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.

Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help

Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways. Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely. However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive. Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.

Mistake 7: Assuming nothing is wrong

Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce. There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives. And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case. They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about. Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.



DARWIN

Terre Grable asked:


Single parents and teenagers - these two words bring to mind the most challenging phases of life. I know because I was raised by a single parent, and not so long ago I was a teenager. I remember the life challenges my own mother encountered as a single parent. Here are 5 tips to help you navigate the ever changing challenges of being a single parent:

1. Remember you are still a family

Regardless of the circumstances your family is still a family - even if it does not have two parents. There are many single parent families that are emotionally healthy. It is a matter of choice, not luck. They choose to make their families emotionally healthy, fun and one that is filled with positive memories.

Parent Tip: Think about the ideals that you want your family to be known for, and write them down. Perhaps make a door hanger or craft that contains symbols of these ideals to remind you of them.

2 Talk with your teen about their feelings

As you may know, your teen may also be experiencing feelings of loss. Regardless of the age and circumstances, your child may have feelings of sadness or anger or just feeling different than their peers. Allow your son/daughter to talk to about how they are feeling. This will also help the relationship you have with them. If you are concerned about your teenger’s adjustment to the divorce, then I suggest you find a qualified professional counselor to help your teenager.

Parent Tip: Look for teachable moments. Those special times when you know your teen is really listening to you, and is engaged, and take advantage of it. Teachable moments are a rarity, so seize the moment. Fina a qualified professional counselor for your teenager to talk with to help adjust to the divorce.

3. Stay involved.

As best you can, continue to be involved in their lives. Show them you are still committed to them despite your stresses. Consistency in your behavior will shout louder than your words.

Parent Tip: Attend school functions. Find those things you both have to do anyways throughout the week and do them together. Eat meals together. Go for a morning or evening walk together.

4. Teach responsibility

Teenagers are usually begging for parents to give them their independence. One of the best ways to teach responsibility is to give them chores to do around the home. Address chores not as something you are nagging them to do, but an opportunity for your teenager to show he/she is responsible to handle more independence.

Parent Tip: Start with small responsibilities and then work into more independence with greater responsibilities. For example, you may begin with teaching them to do their own laundry before letting them drive your vehicle.

5. Live within your means.

As a counselor, I have often seen where parents incur a great deal of financial debt in order to “care” for their teenagers. They want them to have the right kind of clothes, have their own cars and other “necessities” the teenager says they “need.” This approach is lose-lose for everyone. Teenagers are not taught about proper spending, and the parents’ credit card bills stack up as does their financial stress.

Parent Tip: Educate your child on healthy spending habits. If they are of employment age, have them work to earn money to pay for their own “necessities.” Likewise, educate yourself on healthy spending habits.

Single parenting may not be the ideal parenting circumstances. However, it can be done right with children that are happy, confident, and achievers. Each parent can play an essential role in their children’s well being. How about you? Are you struggling being a single parent? Take the reigns of being a single parent to make a difference in the life of your teenager! Do it now before your teenager becomes



EDMUNDO